# Grief and loss
**URL:** https://cog.discourse.group/t/grief-and-loss/1628
**Category:** general
**Created:** [March 10, 2019, 3:40pm UTC](https://cog.discourse.group/t/grief-and-loss/1628 "2019-03-10T15:40:42Z")
**Posts on this page:** 20
**Page:** 2
### Author:  [@MikeP](https://cog.discourse.group/u/MikeP)
#### Post date: [April 12, 2019, 1:40am UTC](https://cog.discourse.group/t/grief-and-loss/1628/21 "2019-04-12T01:40:44Z")
My wife still gets weepy fairly often, and her mother died in January.
It hits me less often, but that’s probably to be expected. It does still hit me from time to time though - she was part of my life for 32 years or so, well over half my life.
It’s just hard when someone close to you dies.
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### Author:  [@TechnoMistress](https://cog.discourse.group/u/TechnoMistress)
#### Post date: [April 12, 2019, 2:30pm UTC](https://cog.discourse.group/t/grief-and-loss/1628/22 "2019-04-12T14:30:46Z")
My mom’s been gone for 12 years and it still hits me sometimes. I left an artisan’s market in Cuba in tears last year because there was a stupid plate with a stupid ceramic crab on it and it’s exactly the type of thing I would have bought for her.
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### Author:  [@sig](https://cog.discourse.group/u/sig)
#### Post date: [April 18, 2019, 2:19pm UTC](https://cog.discourse.group/t/grief-and-loss/1628/23 "2019-04-18T14:19:59Z")
I’ve been trying this podcast out; it may be of interest.
Terrible, Thanks for Asking
> **[Terrible, Thanks for Asking](https://ttfa.org/)**
> You know how every day someone asks “how are you?” And even if you’re totally dying inside, you just say “fine,” so everyone can go about their day? This show is the opposite of that. Hosted by author ([It’s Okay to Laugh (Crying Is Cool Too)](https://www.amazon.com/dp/0062419374)) and notable widow (her words) Nora McInerny, this is a funny/sad/uncomfortable podcast about talking honestly about our pain, our awkwardness, and our humanness, which is not an actual word.
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### Author:  [@Nabiki](https://cog.discourse.group/u/Nabiki)
#### Post date: [April 18, 2019, 6:38pm UTC](https://cog.discourse.group/t/grief-and-loss/1628/24 "2019-04-18T18:38:05Z")
I had a tour of the Weta Studios yesterday, and it was hard, because I kept seeing things that I wanted to talk to the roommate about. He would have enjoyed it. I also saw a sweater that would have been a great fit for him too.
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### Author:  [@Nabiki](https://cog.discourse.group/u/Nabiki)
#### Post date: [April 25, 2019, 4:28am UTC](https://cog.discourse.group/t/grief-and-loss/1628/25 "2019-04-25T04:28:43Z")
Got the autopsy report through roommate’s sister today. If roommate hadn’t gotten the infection, he was still looking at serious, serious health issues.
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### Author:  [@Johtoguy](https://cog.discourse.group/u/Johtoguy)
#### Post date: [April 25, 2019, 3:25pm UTC](https://cog.discourse.group/t/grief-and-loss/1628/26 "2019-04-25T15:25:19Z")
Damn that is very unfortunate.
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### Author:  [@MikeP](https://cog.discourse.group/u/MikeP)
#### Post date: [April 25, 2019, 9:29pm UTC](https://cog.discourse.group/t/grief-and-loss/1628/27 "2019-04-25T21:29:57Z")
While that does suck, maybe that will make his other family realise that you weren’t to blame.
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### Author:  [@Nabiki](https://cog.discourse.group/u/Nabiki)
#### Post date: [April 26, 2019, 2:37am UTC](https://cog.discourse.group/t/grief-and-loss/1628/28 "2019-04-26T02:37:58Z")
They know that I’m not to blame, and they’ve been much better now that he’s gone. I’m just not sure that I forgive them for the way they blamed me and tried to keep me away from him while he was still in the hospital. I’ll have to think about it.
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### Author:  [@MikeP](https://cog.discourse.group/u/MikeP)
#### Post date: [April 26, 2019, 3:27am UTC](https://cog.discourse.group/t/grief-and-loss/1628/29 "2019-04-26T03:27:29Z")
Unfortunately, forgiveness or not doesn’t affect them, only you. I know when I finally forgave my father that _I_ felt a lot better. He didn’t actually know I’d forgiven him as he was dead by then.
But there’s nothing to say that if you _do_ forgive them that you have to have anything to do with them afterwards.
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### Author:  [@Nabiki](https://cog.discourse.group/u/Nabiki)
#### Post date: [April 26, 2019, 5:29am UTC](https://cog.discourse.group/t/grief-and-loss/1628/30 "2019-04-26T05:29:21Z")
From what you’ve said, by your terms, I’ve already forgiven them as in, I don’t feel a lot of bitterness or anger. I certainly don’t feel any need to lash out or harm them in any way. I’m just not sure if or how much I want to do with them in the future.
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### Author:  [@MikeP](https://cog.discourse.group/u/MikeP)
#### Post date: [April 26, 2019, 10:48am UTC](https://cog.discourse.group/t/grief-and-loss/1628/31 "2019-04-26T10:48:21Z")
Then maybe you have - you are the only one who can answer that.
Being wary of someone who has hurt you is a natural self preservation action, not necessarily evidence of a lack of forgiveness.
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### Author:  [@moufassa](https://cog.discourse.group/u/moufassa)
#### Post date: [May 2, 2019, 10:26am UTC](https://cog.discourse.group/t/grief-and-loss/1628/32 "2019-05-02T10:26:21Z")
> [@sig](#):
>
> My best friend Matt died last spring of complications from raging alcoholism I didn’t even know he was dealing with
Wow, that is heavy - very sorry to hear that.
He must have been extremely good at hiding it for you not to have known.
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### Author:  [@moufassa](https://cog.discourse.group/u/moufassa)
#### Post date: [May 2, 2019, 12:44pm UTC](https://cog.discourse.group/t/grief-and-loss/1628/33 "2019-05-02T12:44:08Z")
While this isn’t my own loss per se, it’s as personal a story as I hope to tell, at least for the foreseeable future.
Around 6 months ago, my best friend’s wife went in for a routine operation, and had an anaphylactic reaction to the anaesthetic. CPR was performed for an hour or so, and she was in the ICU for 20 days. Tests suggested her brain stem was intact but there was no cerebral activity, so she would never regain consciousness.
She passed away the day after her own 39th birthday. I have no words to describe the utter desolation he must be feeling.
It is my friend’s 40th birthday today - the first one since his wife passed. My heart aches.
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### Author:  [@Nabiki](https://cog.discourse.group/u/Nabiki)
#### Post date: [May 2, 2019, 2:50pm UTC](https://cog.discourse.group/t/grief-and-loss/1628/34 "2019-05-02T14:50:34Z")
That is awful. It’s the sort of thing you hear about, but isn’t real until it happens to you or someone close to you. One of the best things you can do is just be there. It’s easier to deal with when you have other people around as a distraction.
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### Author:  [@moufassa](https://cog.discourse.group/u/moufassa)
#### Post date: [May 3, 2019, 5:20am UTC](https://cog.discourse.group/t/grief-and-loss/1628/35 "2019-05-03T05:20:44Z")
Very true, @Nabiki - and thank you. I would think your situation is similar to his, actually. 😢
He seems to be coping OK on the outside, but I know that he’s still finding it very tough.
What complicates things is that he has other (life-long) health issues that mean he can’t process alcohol or caffeine very well - it causes him major physical pain. However, he’s addicted to strong coffee, and after not drinking much alcohol over the past 15 years or so he’s back on the hard spirits. He was never alcoholic (as far as I am aware), but I worry.
It still doesn’t seem real to me most of the time, even though I was there when she passed.
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### Author:  [@sig](https://cog.discourse.group/u/sig)
#### Post date: [May 7, 2019, 5:47am UTC](https://cog.discourse.group/t/grief-and-loss/1628/36 "2019-05-07T05:47:21Z")
> [@moufassa](#):
>
> He must have been extremely good at hiding it for you not to have known.
He withdrew a lot over the last few years; we only got together a few times a year. One of his other friends (going back to his Navy days) had grown up with alcoholism in his family and knew the signs, but missed them in Matt, who it turns out was a consummate liar.
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### Author:  [@Nabiki](https://cog.discourse.group/u/Nabiki)
#### Post date: [May 7, 2019, 12:20pm UTC](https://cog.discourse.group/t/grief-and-loss/1628/37 "2019-05-07T12:20:49Z")
The roommate bought me a book today. There’s one more left on pre-order that will arrive at the end of August. He kept an Amazon gift card on his account that he used for books, and there was enough of a balance on it for the books that he has pre-ordered. We shared our books and read a lot of the same series. I guess I have to buy my own books now.
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### Author:  [@Johtoguy](https://cog.discourse.group/u/Johtoguy)
#### Post date: [May 7, 2019, 4:22pm UTC](https://cog.discourse.group/t/grief-and-loss/1628/38 "2019-05-07T16:22:05Z")
That is both really sweet and heart breaking.
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### Author:  [@Nabiki](https://cog.discourse.group/u/Nabiki)
#### Post date: [August 20, 2019, 8:05pm UTC](https://cog.discourse.group/t/grief-and-loss/1628/39 "2019-08-20T20:05:22Z")
One of the faculty here just lost her son. 2019 can go take a flying leap, okay?
Amazon just sent me a birthday reminder for the roommate.
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### Author:  [@TechnoMistress](https://cog.discourse.group/u/TechnoMistress)
#### Post date: [August 21, 2019, 1:34pm UTC](https://cog.discourse.group/t/grief-and-loss/1628/40 "2019-08-21T13:34:16Z")
> [@Nabiki](#):
>
> Amazon just sent me a birthday reminder for the roommate
That sucks. I got a reminder earlier this year for a friend who committed suicide three years ago. 😥
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