(Canned applause fades in, leading to:)
Announcer: “Welcome, everyone, to the exciting new game show that’s sweeping the nation: Who’ll Flip on Whom? And now, your host, Bob Bulwark.”
Bob: “Thank you, Jimmy. It is time to play Who’ll Flip on Whom?, the game show where contestants decide which of the people they’ve worked with they’ll sacrifice in order to avoid jail time. On today’s show, we have a very special lineup.”
Jimmy: “That’s right, Bob. We have six people associated with the same organization, four of which are related. They are: Allen Weisselberg, Rudy Giuliani, Donald Trump Jr., Eric Trump, Ivanka Trump and finally, The Donald.”
Bob: “Let’s meet our contestants. First up is Allen Weisselberg. Allen, you’ve been an employee of The Trump Organization for almost forty years. Until just very recently, you were the CFO, a director for various businesses within Organization, and one of the few people there authorized to write checks. Though it appeared that you were removed by the company from almost five dozen positions, it’s been reported that it was you that decided to resign and you did it immediately before being indicted on charges relating to tax evasion. It’s an unusual move. Isn’t it a more common practice that a person in your situation goes on administrative leave so they can focus on the charges, but they retain those positions until the outcome is known?”
Allen: “I thought it would be best for the company if I removed myself while this is being sorted out. But I know I’m innocent and I know the company will stand behind me.”
Bob: “Yes, of course they will, because otherwise, you’ll be close to 90 if you have to serve the maximum time for what you’re charged with and resigning will not have any effect on culpability for any illegal activity. Say, have you heard of Harry Bennet?”
Allen: “Can’t say that I have.”
Bob: “He was the head security officer of the Ford Motor Company and Henry Ford’s enforcer. He thought he was in line to be Ford’s successor, but after some issues regarding trying to manipulate Ford’s will and the ending of the wartime contracts hurting the company severely, Bennet was fired. He didn’t believe it could happen, but a factor in why he never became the leader of the company is he was expendable because his last name wasn’t Trump. Ah, excuse me. I mean Ford. His last name wasn’t Ford.”
Allen: “…”
Bob: “Truly fascinating the hoops you’re jumping through in order to save the company instead of yourself. Let’s head over to meet the next contestant, Rudy Giuliani. Rudy, you’ve been a lawyer for Donald Trump Sr. and someone who could be called a FOTD.”
Rudy: “You betcha. Friend Of The Donald, through and through.”
Bob: “I understand you’ve had some major setbacks. You’re facing two multi-billion dollar law suits, the radio station that hosts your program caught you by surprise when they started putting a disclaimer before your show, and your license to practice law has been suspended in New York State and in Washington, D.C. Tell me, are you doing okay?”
Rudy: “Why wouldn’t I be? These are all just attacks to try to silence me because I was so effective in representing my client and helping him to expose the voting fraud.”
Bob: “That client being The Donald. But you’re really doing okay? You’re not hurting for money?”
Rudy: “No…”
Bob: “Must be my mistake. You’re still paying about a half million dollars in alimony per year and you recently trimmed down your entourage from five people to one part time driver. When I first heard The Donald said, ‘Don’t pay Rudy,’ I thought he was joking, but it turns out he was serious because he actually hasn’t paid you for the legal services you provided to him. You’ve asked him repeatedly to pay you, but so far he hasn’t and word on the street is he’s getting a bit annoyed with you because of it. Furthermore, you’ve also asked him to help pay for some of the legal fees you’ve incurred in the law suits against you. So I gotta know, is that what a true Friend Of The Donald would do?”
Rudy: “What do you mean?”
Bob: "Everyone knows The Donald doesn’t pay for his own legal services, so a true FOTD wouldn’t ask him to do something out of character like paying for someone else’s legal fees. A true FOTD wouldn’t risk putting him in a position of doing something that would raise suspicions and questions. Questions like, ‘Is he paying hush money to a person that’s hinted in the past he has some sort of leverage over The Donald?’
“Certainly, a true FOTD would know that sort of thing just isn’t done. They wouldn’t risk having The Donald decide that they were his friend in name only. I can’t imagine anything worse than an FOTD becoming an FOTDINO. Really, a true Friend Of The Donald would not bother him with those pesky legal fees and should just void them.”
(Close-up on Rudy, who is starting to sweat. His hair dye appears to have had enough time to dry properly and none runs down the side of his face like it did at a press conference earlier in the year.)
Bob: “Okay. While you mull that over, let’s check in with our next contestant. Donald Trump Jr., you are named after your father even though he initially didn’t want his firstborn son named after himself. You’re a trustee and executive vice present of The Trump Organization and you’ve hinted you might run for President.”
Don Jr.: “That’s correct.”
Bob: “Assuming your father doesn’t run again.”
Don Jr.: “Yes. If he did, then I would step aside for him.”
Bob: “Now, correct me if I’m wrong, but aren’t you also one of the few people in The Trump Organization authorized to write checks?” (Don Jr. nods.) “So, if there were any irregularities in the ones Mr. Weisselberg wrote, you shouldn’t have any worries that investigators might find irregularities in the checks you wrote.”
Don Jr.: “…”
Bob: “Interesting. Anyhoo, up next is Eric Trump. You’re also a trustee and executive vice present of The Trump Organization, and by sheer coincidence, also one of the very few people within the Organization authorized to write checks. Obviously, those same concerns about checks written by Allen won’t apply to you.”
Eric: (tersely) “Obviously.”
Bob: “You’ve been described as one of your father’s most vocal and inflammatory supporters. Speaking of inflammatory, you posted a video showing ballots for your father in the 2020 election being burned, but that turned out to be a fake. You’ve pushed the conspiracy theory that antifa was responsible for the attack on the U.S. Capitol on January 6, 2021 instead of your brother, your father and other supporters of your father working the crowd up into such a furor that they broke into it. I couldn’t help but notice that you seem to be trying the hardest to earn your father’s approval. It wouldn’t happen to do anything with you being the middle child from your father’s first marriage?”
Eric: (tersely) “No, it does not.”
Bob: “Of course, of course. Now, let’s meet this charming young lady. Ivanka, you used to be an EVP at The Trump Organization before leaving to become one of your father’s senior advisors as President. You’ve also been seen as a voice of reason and a calming influence on him.”
Ivanka: “Oh, stop. You flatter me.”
Bob: “You were paid consulting fees by The Trump Organization but it’s not exactly clear what those fees were for. Can we expect that to be cleared up soon?”
Ivanka: “I’ll have to have my people look into it and get back to you.”
Bob: “I look forward to it. You’re married to Jared Kushner, a handsome man to match a beautiful woman like yourself. Jared’s family is wealthy in its own right. Jared took over the Kushner Companies after his father was convicted and incarcerated for fraud. One might say that you stand to lose more than your brothers should you wind up not being the winner of tonight’s game.”
Ivanka: “I don’t think I have to worry about that.”
Bob: “Perhaps not. But just before we started tonight’s show, we got word that your husband may have already flipped on The Donald due to a surprising absence of his name in discussions about the indictments against the Trump Organization. There wouldn’t be any need to indict Jared if he’s going to cooperate with the investigation. If true, that would put you in the uncomfortable position of having to choose between your father and your husband, would it not?”
Ivanka: “No comment.”
Bob: “I see. Well, the night’s not getting any younger. Let’s meet the big guy himself, The Donald.”
(Applause from the studio audience that cuts to a commercial break after a minute.)
(Fade in from commercial:)
Bob: “Welcome back to Who’ll Flip on Whom?, the survival game where the goal is avoiding the slammer. I need to note at this point that the twenty minute standing ovation required whenever The Donald is introduced has been omitted from the broadcast but will in no way affect the outcome of the contest. Mr. Trump…”
The Donald: “President Trump.”
Bob: “Former. Mr. Trump…”
The Donald: “No, I’m still president. I won the election by a lot. It was a landslide. It was stolen from me because there’s no possible way I couldn’t win. I said back in the 2015 primaries there would be voting fraud if I didn’t win, and in the 2016 election there would be voting fraud if I didn’t win, and in the 2020 election there would be voting fraud if I didn’t win. And I was right. Third time was the charm. There was so much voter fraud it’s obvious to anyone with eyes.”
Bob: “That remains to be seen, though it should already be crystal clear what the result was. Mr. Trump…”
The Donald: “I told you, President Trump.”
Bob: “Okay. President Trump, we normally don’t have family members on this show. But both your niece, Mary L. Trump, who is a trained psychologist, and your former fixer, Michael Cohen, have expressed the opinion that you’ll flip on all of the other contestants, even though three of them are your own flesh and blood.”
The Donald: “It’s not like I didn’t warn them I would do it.”
Bob: “How so?”
The Donald: “While raising 'em, my motto was was ‘Don’t trust anyone’. As that Shakespeare guy said, ‘All the world’s a competition.’ During ski trips, I’d jab at them with my poles in order to show them I always have to come first. I’d also test 'em by asking 'em if they trusted me. If they said yes, I’d repremand them.”
Bob: “Oh, that’s right. Ivanka did say back in 2004, ‘We were sort of bred to be competitive. Dad encourages it.’”
The Donald: “You’re darn tootin’ I did. And I still do. And here we are in the biggest competition yet.”
Bob: “I guess it is. One thing before we begin. You’ve been dropping hints that you’re going to run again for president.”
The Donald: “That’s correct. When I make the announcement, I know I’ll be very happy.”
Bob: “Uh, you mean that everyone will be very happy.”
The Donald: “Right, right. Everyone. Right.”
Bob: “But, didn’t you recently say that you’ve made your decision?”
The Donald: “Yes, I have.”
Bob: “So which is it? You’re still deciding or you’ve decided?”
The Donald: “Yes.”
Bob: “It’s an either-or question, Mr. Trump.”
The Donald: “President Trump.”
Bob: “All right, fine. It’s an either-or question, Mr. President Donald President Trump President, the President 45th President President President of President the President United President States President. Either you have made a decision or you haven’t. Which is it?”
The Donald: “I’ve made my decision.”
Bob: “Good for you. You do realize, don’t you, that by saying you’ve made your decision but not officially announcing it, you’re in danger of violating federal election fundraising laws?”
The Donald: “Say what?”
Bob: “Federal election fundraising laws. The laws that allow a person to raise a limited amount of money while they see if a campaign for a political office will be viable. It’s not an open-ended fundraising scheme. Once the person’s made their decision, they have to formally announce it and can no longer raise exploratory funds.”
The Donald: "Oh. Um. It’s obvious, isn’t it? The radical left and the deep state created a deep fake of fake news to keep me from running again. You know, there’s never been someone who’s had to put up with as much as Donald Trump, who’s been as harassed as much as Donald Trump, who’s been as targeted as much as Donald Trump, who’s been subjected to so much fake news as Donald Trump, who’s had so many witch hunts against them as Donald Trump, who’s been the victim as much as Donald Trump. It’s antifa and the deplorables and the rapists plotting against Donald Trump.
"And the radical left and the deep state! Don’t forget about them! And that Obama, limitin’ how much water a showerhead uses. How is Donald Trump supposed to get his hair perfect if there isn’t enough water coming out of 'em? It’s a good thing I outlawed that dumb law just before I left office. That I didn’t leave. Because I’m still president.
“But just you wait. I’ll be president again. It didn’t happen on January 6th or the 20th, or March 3rd, or in April, or on July 4th and it won’t happen on August 13th, but it will. Trust me. I’m The Donald. When I make a promise, it happens, just like I promised with Trump Steaks, Trump Vodka, Trump University and the Trump Foundation. Just like I promised MAGA for everyone even though I never wanted to be president.”
Bob: “Right. Speaking of promises, in another bit of late-breaking news, we got word that your Super PAC has raised over $57 million since it was formed at the end of last year. The purpose of that fundraising is supposedly to fight voting fraud. However, a recent analysis shows that you’ve spent almost nothing of the money raised for fighting it. If there is so much fraud that occurred and is still yet to be uncovered, wouldn’t you want to be at the forefront of providing financial support for those efforts since you’re the one insisting the loudest that it happened?”
The Donald: “I believe you got the answer to your question when you talked with Mr. Giuliani.”
Bob: “But if you’re not going to pay to find the fraud, shouldn’t you tell the people who are donating to you what the money will really be used for? For all intents and purposes, that seems to be to have it go into your pockets and help prop up your failing busineses. I believe that’s what someone with honesty and integrity would do.”
The Donald: “What I believe is they have given me money of their own free well.”
Bob: “But surely—”
The Donald: “You don’t know me very well, do you? Bobby, they bought my big lie, they know it’s a grift. I say, fleece the rubes!”
Bob: "Apparently so. As much as I would like to continue this lovely conversation, I think we should get started. But before we do, maybe there is one last point to be considered.
"Just shy of a hundred years ago, there was a very charismatic person who knew how to work up a crowd and get them on his side. If I remember right, he became the leader of his country on a platform that could be described as ‘Make Deutschland Great Again’, telling people who they had to be afraid of and he alone could prevent those enemies from destroying everything. It took many years and a lot of destruction before everyone saw he wasn’t the hot stuff he bragged he was.
“Sorry. I digress. I’m sure that has no relevancy to any of our contestants. All right, people. Are you ready to play Who’ll Flip on Whom?”
