As God is my witness, this turkey thinks his idea will fly.
Mike Lindell wants to show his support for the protesters that are using their trucks to block traffic in Canada. He decides the best way to do that is to send them pillows. He has a factory in Canada but it doesn’t have the capacity to make the number he wants to send (10,000 to 12,000), so they get made in the U.S.
His truck gets to the border and it’s turned back due to the very thing the protesters are objecting to: the driver isn’t vaccinated and doesn’t have a negative PCR coronavirus test.
Lindell’s new plan is to use a helicopter to fly into Canada and he will drop the pillows out the door so they can each the truckers. Each one will have a little parachute attached so it will be safe.
Philip Bump of The Washington Post first looked at whether the Canadian border patrol might object to trying to bypass customs by air, but then a colleague asked, “What, exactly, is the airspeed of an unladen MyPillow, plunging through the frosty Canadian air onto a trucker? And, secondarily, what would the effects on that trucker be?” You can find out the answer with and without a parachute in the article (via an MSN feed).
Lindell’s got a helicopter company on board, ready to make the flight. He’s keeping it a secret which one it is and where he’ll drop the pillows. It was supposed to happen at 11 a.m., maybe today? Can’t find anything about it if it did occur today. Maybe Friday.
Methinks Lindell forgot one teeny tiny little detail: helicopters don’t have a lot of interior cargo space. The largest production helicopter in the world is the Mil Mi-26 (a.k.a, the Halo). Its interior is 36 feet long, 10.5 feet wide and is 9.5 feet tall at its shortest point. That’s about 75% of the volume of a 48’ semi-trailer.
The helicopter company isn’t likely to have one of those. How many pillows will fit into what they do have? They can fit more if they compress and vacuum-pack them ahead of time, but it’s still going to be more than one flight. How many flights will it take to get all of the pillows to the truckers? Will the U.S. and Canadian border patrols allow that many flights back and forth?
And if he’s hired just one helicopter, how long will it take to drop a single payload? Being generous and assuming the helicopter can carry a thousand pillows at a time and he can toss them out the door at a rate of one every five seconds (which also assumes there’s at least one other person to hand them to him just as quickly), it will take 83 minutes to finish. Then he goes back for the next load and does this eleven times, for a total of 16.6 hours, not counting flight and refueling times.
You know, there’s another teeny tiny little detail Lindell hasn’t factored in: a pillow doesn’t have much weight (1.5 pounds) and it’s got a lot of surface area (26"x16"x4.1" uncompressed). The second he tosses it out the door, the downdraft from the helicopter rotors is going to push it straight down, maybe even ripping it out of his hands. According to the Rotor & Wing International website, for a small helicopter like a Hughes 500, the air moves downward at about 46 mph. Any pillows Mike Lindell tosses are going to have more in common with the WKRP First Annual Thanksgiving Day Turkey Drop than serenely floating down to the waiting arms of a trucker in need of a good night’s sleep.