How can you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber? Ask them to pronounce unionized.
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Knock knock.
Whoâs there?
9/11.
9/11 whâ
YOU SAID YOUâD NEVER FORGET!
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When I heard that Oxygen and Magnesium were getting together, I was like, âOMG!â
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Jokes from my kids:
Izverg:
KNOCK KNOCK
Whoâs there?
DRAGON!
Dragon who?
RAAAAAHHH!!!
Ivan:
KNOCK KNOCK
Whoâs there?
ORANGE.
Orange who?
KNOCK KNOCK
Whoâs there?
BANANA
Banana who?
ARENâT YOU GLAD I DIDNâT SAY âORANGEâ AGAIN?
(He kinda missed the point of that one. 
)
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Johnny was a chemistâs son, but Johnny is no more. For what Johnny thought was H2O was H2SO4.
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What kind of ice cream does Cthulhu like?
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After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, British scientists found traces
of copper wire dating back 200 years and came to the conclusion that their
ancestors already had a telephone network more than 150 years ago.
Not to be outdone by the Brits, in the weeks that followed, an American
archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story published in
the New York Times:
âAmerican archaeologists, finding traces of 250-year-old copper wire, have
concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications
network 50 years earlier than the Britishâ.
One week later, the Stateâs Dept of Minerals and Energy in Western Australia,
reported the following:
âAfter digging as deep as 30 feet in Western Australiaâs Pilbara region, Michael
(Chucka) Garvey, a highly credentialed Telstra employee and self-taught
archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely fuck all. Michael has therefore
concluded that 250 years ago, Australia had already gone wireless.â
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Whatâs brown and sticky?
.
.
.
.
.
.
Wait for itâŚ
.
.
.
.
.
.
A stick.
.
.
< runs >
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Itâs so dumb it made me laughâŚ
Heheh, this will be a good segue from the above joke featuring Australia . . .
Ivan (5-yr-old) has a âjokeâ he tells every once in a while:
Q: What is more than Australia?
A: NOTHING! Nothing is on Australia! Eh-eh-eh-eh! (stupid laugh he does when he thinks heâs being funny)
I donât know where he got it, but itâs his favorite joke right now. I hold out hope that his jokes improve over time, or there will be an education.
Does he mean nothing is IN Australia? Because thatâs not strictly correct.
He says âonâ. Heâs five. Words are like toys, and stupid things are uproariously funny. 
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Hehe, kids.
Re-reading my post⌠I meant that the statement âthere is nothing in Australiaâ isnât strictly correct, not the on/in confusion.
Still, it makes me wonder what my son will be coming up with in 3.5 yearsâ time when heâs Ivanâs age!
Poop⌠5 and 6 year olds are obsessed with poop, eyeballs, boogers, snot, farts and everything else thatâs gross. My 6 year old finds any excuse to bring up the word poop in a conversation and then she will just think itâs the funniest thing ever.
I say Iâll be glad when sheâs out of this stage, but actually poop is kind of funnyâŚ
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Cool⌠I think I will get that. Especially since I pulled a dick parenting move and put her Barbie Princess and the Pop Star (gag) book in the box that went to Goodwill. Probably wouldnât have been such a bad thing, but it was the first book she bought with her very own money and she was so proud of it. I just couldnât stand it though, reading it to her quite literally made me want to puke and then I went on this feminist rant that probably ruined her childhood.
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I am reading Wee Free Men to my six year old daughter. There is a feminine role model I donât mind her following.
Iâm damn near 40 and I still think poop and farts are funny. But I understand where youâre coming from. My girlfriendâs niece is 6 and she is totally that way.
My oldest is getting into this phase as of a week ago. Out of nowhere, she randomly says, âPoopâ, and then starts laughing herself to tears.
Then I think to myself, âWell, itâs no different then me saying âShitâ, but thatâs usually followed by me having to fix something.â Maybe Iâm doing it wrong.
For those who didnât see it on facebook or RedditâŚ
Humor out of Alignment:
A wizard and Fighter are fighting a bunch of enemies together. At a lull in the battle the wizard sees the fighter is using a small dagger instead of his usual sword. âWhere is your sword?â asks the wizard. âI impaled a Druid at the top of yon hill, we can get it when we are finished.â At the end of the battle they work their way to the top of the hill and there is no body, no sword. âYou idiot,â says the wizard âof course its gone, you never leave it in Neutral at the top of an inclineâŚâ
My favorite response to this gem was
âa loud hiss echos from the ventilation shaft grating you uttered
the joke from. Somewhere deep in a maze of poorly lit air ports and
rotating fans, a creatureâs scorn has been earned.â EDIT: That
response continued with: âGoblin [redacted] think joke is bad, such bad
joke make [redacted] mad! [Redacted] shriek and cry with fear, that
such bad joke reach goblin ear.â
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